


This thing called love comes crashing down

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A bit sad, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Author! Jaehyun, Doctor! Doyoung, Doctor! Taeyong, JaeYong - Freeform, M/M, Roommates, best friend! Sicheng, best friend! Ten, but that's subjective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 09:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18133838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jaehyun watches as his roommate falls in love.





	This thing called love comes crashing down

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before proceeding! Angst alert!

Taeil tells him that he’s being sentimental in this modern day and age. There are so many alternatives to an old, worn leather journal. His phone for instance, his laptop, a tablet, an iPad - basically anything electronic that can store his works digitally and prevent him from doing double work. But that’s how Jaehyun had first started writing, in a journal his dad had gifted him when he was eight, and it has become the most comfortable way for him to write ever since. To feel the pages between his fingers, to have his hand occupied with a pen while he carefully comes up with the perfect words, to have that irritating yet satisfying ink smudge at the base of his palm. It makes the story even more personal for him as it slowly forms from scratch in his own handwriting. He likes the idea of it - a story born from the strokes of his wrist and the wonders of his mind. It gives him a sense of fulfilment to see his journal bursting with words; ideas from his mind come to life.

 

Even if Taeil did manage to convince him (in a threatening manner) to use his laptop, Jaehyun can’t quite kick the habit of writing in his journal, evident from how he still does it at any chance he gets. So while he waits for Taeyong at one of chairs in the lobby, the same one by the pillar he sits at every time he comes over, he has his brown worn-leather journal in his lap and a pen in his hand.

 

He hasn’t written much so far, inspiration approaching him slowly like a ship from the horizon sailing towards dock. The lack of words doesn’t really bother him for now because he’s in no rush to meet a deadline. His latest book was released a few months ago, quite successfully, and he has time before Taeil starts drilling him for the manuscript of the next part of the series. It’s the only time he can enjoy stress-free writing and he plans to do as much of it while he can.

 

With inspiration being a stranger, he closes his journal with a light heart, the burden of a looming deadline as daunting as the flicker of a candlelight on a sunny day. He chooses to watch the pair of kids in front of him instead - a girl and a younger boy, siblings from the looks of it. Their shoes squeak against the smooth marble floor and their faces are plastered with toothy grins as they chase giddily after each other. They run fast and clumsily, like how kids always do and their giggles ring loud and clear over the monotonous hum of machines and clicking of computers. Jaehyun watches fondly as they squeeze between the tables and chairs, squealing and tagging each other with innocent delight.

 

At one point, the boy chases his sister through a narrow space between a pair of low stools and Jaehyun immediately sees it coming. Unfortunately, he doesn’t respond to it as fast as he senses it. The girl squeezes past the stools and her foot hooks around one of the legs, sending her stumbling forward. She loses balance and skids on her right arm causing the stools to screech loudly and move disorderedly around her. It doesn’t look like a dangerous fall but pain isn’t a very kind emotion, especially for kids. The girl’s breathing is heavy, a sound away from a wail and she brings herself to a crouch. She cradles her arm and her lips quiver. Her eyes start to get watery and Jaehyun is already moving forward, legs reacting before his brain does but he gets beaten to it by someone else. A young man donned in a white coat bends down and helps her up. The girl who was on the verge of tears seems to be calmed by his presence and remains quiet when he inspects her arm. There’s a look of relief when he’s done and he crouches in front of her and cradles her face.

 

“There, there. It’s ok. It doesn’t hurt that bad right? You’re a strong girl aren’t you, Jinhee?”

 

Jaehyun thinks it’s smart of the man to compliment her so she doesn’t start crying. It seems to work with how she’s wiping at her eyes and nodding her head furiously. The man holds back a fond laugh.

 

He must be a doctor here, but Jaehyun doesn’t think he’s seen him around before. He can’t be too sure because all he has is a side-profile. Although his voice does sound familiar.

 

“Tell your sister she’s really strong. Don’t you think she’s strong?” He stretches his hand out to the boy, which the boy takes and steps forward, nodding his head timidly. He smiles and ruffles the boy’s hair. “Why don’t you give her a hug? It’ll make her feel better.”

 

The boy waddles up to his sister and envelopes her in a hug which she returns just as tight.

 

“I didn’t mean to make you fall,” he tells her, his voice trembling. “I’m sorry.”

 

Her expression changes hearing the waver in his voice and it’s evident that she prioritizes his feelings immediately over her own. “It’s ok, it doesn’t hurt,” she tells him. The young doctor smiles. He pushes the stools into place and pats them. The pair sits down obediently and he picks up something from the table in front of the stools. With animated gestures, he explains something to them and enthusiastically hands them coloured pencils. Their faces light up and they become occupied with colouring within seconds, already forgetting about the little accident they had earlier. Jaehyun smiles as he watches. Kids and the simplicity of their worlds.

 

He turns to return to his seat to continue waiting till Taeyong arrives when he spots him. Taeyong’s coat flies behind him as he enters the lobby, his cheeks pink from exertion and his eyes searching. They become rounder when it lands on the young doctor and he skids to a halt in front of him. He appears out of breath and he holds on to the doctor’s elbow as he inhales deeply.

 

“Doyoung! I’ve been looking all over for you! Doctor Kim’s been asking for you, something about patient in ward 343.”

 

The young doctor, _Doyoung_ , visibly pales and he takes out his phone to check it. “Shit, she called me three times.” He looks over worriedly to the counter on his left and half-shouts, “Can I get the particulars for patient in ward 343? _Quickly_ please!”

 

The nurse in duty searches for it and before she can even hand it over, Doyoung snatches it from her hands and runs off towards a pair of doors leading to the wards, his coat flapping behind him the same way Taeyong’s did. He shouts a hurried “Thanks Nurse Jang! Thanks, Taeyong!” before he disappears completely from view.

 

Taeyong, now with sufficient air in his lungs, regains his stature and adjusts his disheveled appearance. He scans the lobby as he does so and his face lights up with a smile when he spots Jaehyun.

 

“Jaehyun!” He gives a small wave and combs his fingers through his hair to tame the stray strands. “Sorry about the wait, got caught up with something.”

 

“It’s fine,” Jaehyun smiles. “I know how busy it is around here.”

 

Taeyong brings him in for a hug. Taeyong has always been a hugger. Jaehyun returns it warmly.

 

“You know how it is, there’s never a quiet day,” Taeyong chuckles. Taeyong waits for Jaehyun to grab his things back where he left it and they make their way to the hospital’s cafeteria as per routine. Jaehyun brings up the new doctor.

 

“That doctor you were talking to earlier, is he new?”

 

Taeyong puts his hands in the pockets of his coat as they walk. He finds a lollipop and offers it to Jaehyun which Jaehyun politely declines. Taeyong always has treats in his pockets for the kids (and himself). “Oh, Doyoung? He’s a resident like me. He just transferred here from the branch in Busan about two weeks ago,” Taeyong explains. “Why’d you ask?”

 

Jaehyun shrugs. “Just caught my attention when he helped out a pair of kids earlier.”

 

Taeyong smiles and there’s a certain look in his eyes. Jaehyun can’t quite place it. “Ah, he is good with kids, isn’t he? I mean I know we’re in pediatrics, but not all of us are compatible with kids, you know? But him, he’s like a natural with them.”

 

“Sounds a bit like you,” Jaehyun hums.

 

Taeyong laughs softly. “Well, I do love kids. Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

 

They enter the cafeteria and easily find an empty table since it’s way past lunch hours. There aren’t that many people around. The other tables that _are_ occupied are mostly occupied by other medical staff who probably were too busy to eat during lunch, just like how Taeyong always is. Which is why Jaehyun sometimes brings him lunch to ensure that he’s getting through the day with actual food in his stomach instead of candies (also because Taeyong keeps complaining about how ‘healthy’ the food is that there’s no taste at all). He knows Taeyong would go without eating if no one forces him to. He doesn’t exactly take care of himself as well as he takes care of the kids here.

 

They settle down and Jaehyun places the packed bento he’s brought for them on the table, unpacks and lays them out.

 

“Actually, he’s in my batch,” Taeyong says, continuing the conversation on Doyoung.

 

“Like in terms of residency?” Jaehyun asks distractedly as he wipes the chopsticks he’s brought.

 

Taeyong grunts. “ _No_ , as in during college. He went to the same university as we did and studied medicine too.”

 

“Oh. But you’ve never told me about him,” Jaehyun says as he hands over the cutleries to Taeyong. Jaehyun knows all of Taeyong’s friends from college because he’s brought them over to their shared apartment plenty of times back when they were still students. He knows all of them by face _and_ by name and he’s pretty sure he’s never heard of a Doyoung before. He hadn’t seen Doyoung’s face in full view earlier so he can’t really tell if he’s met Doyoung back then.

 

“Because we were strangers then. Even though we were in the same course,” Taeyong provides. “But I got to know him during the time he’s been here and he’s such a nice guy. I wondered why we didn’t talk back then.”

 

Jaehyun’s known Taeyong for a few years now, having lived with him for two years during college and then even after that. Even up till now. Jaehyun thinks he can safely say that he knows Taeyong’s behavior pretty well. So when he says out the next few words to confirm his hunch, he thinks he already knows the answer.

 

“I presume he’s your type then?” It comes out light and teasing.

 

Taeyong leans forward, as if entrusting him to a secret and looks at him with a twinkle in his eye. “He _is_ quite cute, don’t you think?”

 

Jaehyun honestly doesn’t know what to think. Partly because he doesn’t know how Doyoung truly looks like except for maybe his left ear, which was the most prominent part of his face he did manage to catch from earlier.

 

Jaehyun pretends to ponder about it and his reply is witty when he says it. “Not as cute as me though, right?” He tilts his head and makes the face he always does whenever he’s guilty. Taeyong has always been weak for it.

 

“Stop using that face to your advantage!” Taeyong laughs, using his hands to block Jaehyun’s face from his view. He brings his hands back down and gestures to the food laid out in front of them.

 

“Thanks for bringing me this. Let’s eat before I get called back in.”

 

Jaehyun picks up pieces of meat and vegetables and places them on Taeyong’s rice. “So you’d have enough energy to last the day,” he supplies. Taeyong gives him a toothy grin in return.

 

\-----

 

Jaehyun had met Ten first before he met Sicheng. He was partnered with Ten for a project for their literature course in year one. It had been quickly uncovered that they both have strong personalities but match surprisingly well, their dynamics working like a dream. Although things did go horrific when they didn’t agree on certain parts and had firmly stood their ground - almost causing their project to go to ruins - they still complement each other’s traits amazingly. Their argument on the project hadn’t ended very prettily but they had made up afterwards and became impossibly closer. They never stopped meeting and texting even after the project had ended and Jaehyun likes to think that the stupid fight they had was what pushed their friendship further, to become so tight and well-bound. And somehow along the way they became each other’s ‘ _eternal friend’_ , Ten’s words, not his (perks of having a lit student as a best friend) and they’ve stuck by each other since then.

 

They met Sicheng together on a sweltering hot day. Jaehyun remembers it clearly. Sweat was rolling down his back and they had just ended a 3 hour-long paper. They were trudging up the hill to the nearest cafe in campus because Ten had been whining for some ‘ _fucking iced tea right now or I will die_ ’. That was when they saw a kid with his shoulders hung low, (turns out he wasn’t a kid, but he looked like one - still does) sitting on a bench, his eyes watery as he looks down at a piece of paper crumpled at the edges from how tight he was holding it. Jaehyun had decided to walk the other way around so they wouldn’t have to walk past him lest it got awkward for both parties - no one wants to see someone cry or be seen crying. But Ten had nudged him and steered them towards the stranger. It looked like desperation was clouding heavily around him, like how the water vapour hung densely in the air that day. He must have been suffocating.

 

_Sicheng_ , he had answered quietly when Ten asked for his name. Fast-forward a few hours later, the three of them were sitting in the air-conditioned cafe and Sicheng was laughing shyly, a bright smile lighting up his tear-stained face. At the end of it, Jaehyun and Ten became richer by one friend and they knew they couldn’t just move on as strangers after that encounter, especially not after they knew of Sicheng’s story. Jaehyun hadn’t known then, but he had gained another eternal friend.

 

The cafe becomes their go-to ever since.

 

Now that years have passed and they each have their own jobs and actual decent lives to take care of, they don’t spend a lot of time like they used to - chilling in cafes gossiping, chatting, crying, laughing. Ten had made it a point after five months of no contact to meet at least twice a month because ‘ _eternal friends should at least meet each other even if they don’t need_ _to’_.

 

It’s been two years since the promise was made and thus two years since the promise was kept. That’s how Jaehyun currently finds himself at a cafe, waiting for Ten to arrive and Sicheng to be free from duty for their ‘hang out’. One would think they’d move on to bars or fancy restaurants now that they’re past the college life and more financially capable. But they’ve never been about that lifestyle and nothing has changed since then, the only stark difference is that they’re older now and the cafe they hang out at is owned by Sicheng.

 

Jaehyun types on his laptop, trying to get some work done before Ten arrives. He can see Sicheng behind the counter taking orders from customers and passing them to his employees. Technically Sicheng doesn’t have to be around because he has enough employees to do the work, but Sicheng’s the type of boss that mingles with his employees in _all_ of his branches in Seoul. It’s typical Sicheng character to be friendly with his staff and his staff loves him. Jaehyun feels happy to see him feel so fulfilled and content, the same way Sicehng’s happy for him whenever his books get published.

 

Sicheng lets Jaehyun enjoy some alone time to work on his book before joining him when Ten arrives. Taeil had dropped him an email about a week ago, enclosing a ‘friendly’ suggestion of starting on his manuscript of the next part of his series. Jaehyun had smirked as he read it, internally praising himself for starting on it earlier than Taeil had asked. He knows he’ll still end up behind schedule in the end but he’ll take what he can get.

 

The bells on the cafe doors jingle and Jaehyun doesn’t have to look up to know that it’s Ten. It’s definitely him from the way he throws a “Sicheng get your ass over,” before he’s sliding into the seat opposite of Jaehyun.

 

“Author Jung, it’s been a while.” Ten relaxes and leans back against the cushioned chair. He runs his hand through his hair, causing droplets of water to flick everywhere. It had been drizzling outside. He removes his leather jacket patterned with water droplets and hangs it on the empty seat beside him.

 

Jaehyun hums and puts his laptop aside. “It’s nice to see you again, Teacher Ten.”

 

Ten grins wide, loving it whenever they address each other with their profession. It’s like they still can’t believe they actually achieved something after college.

 

“Ah, CEO Dong, nice of you to join us,” Ten greets Sicheng as Sicheng slips into the seat beside Jaehyun. He’s no longer in his customary cafe apron but Jaehyun knows that doesn’t mean he’ll stop watching his employees like a hawk.

 

Sicheng rolls his eyes. “Cut the act before I throw you out.”

 

Ten grumbles. “You’re always the least fun out of the three of us.”

 

“Anyway, how’d your transfer go?” Jaehyun swiftly transitions, trying to get Ten’s attention. The last time they met, Ten told them that he had submitted an application for a transfer of school. He applied for one nearer to central Seoul, closer to where he lives, as compared to the school he’s currently teaching at, somewhere near the outskirts. It’ll be easier on him and less costly transportation wise.

 

“It’s still in the process but I think there’s a high chance I’ll get it,” Ten replies excitedly. “Though my students will be devastated to see me leave.”

 

“I think it’s more like you’ll be devastated to leave them,” Sicheng remarks. “Even if you keep saying they’re little devils.”

 

“Well, I guess that’s what spending too much time with them does to you,” Ten says and then looks over at Jaehyun. “Jaehyun would know. The effects of that.”

 

Talk about an attack from nowhere. And they’ve only just gathered for five seconds.

 

“Excuse me?” Jaehyun splutters. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Here we go again,” Sicheng sighs. “He’s talking about Taeyong. You know, the whole living together thing.”

 

“Seriously?” Jaehyun looks at Ten incredulously. “This _again_?”

 

Ten leans forward on his elbows, edging closer to Jaehyun. “You _clearly_ don’t need to share the cost of the apartment anymore! We all know the reason you’re still living together is because you’ve spent so much time with him you can’t bear to move out.”

 

Jaehyun groans. Every single time they get together, the topic of him and Taeyong sharing an apartment somehow always comes up. He doesn’t even know how or why.

 

“I actually think so too,” Sicheng adds in, his fingers drumming against the bare table. He must have realised the absence of any form of drinks or food because he says, “Hold on, let me just- Mark! Where’s our coffee?” He whips his head towards the counter and a boy startles, fumbling nervously with the machines. Another boy, Jaehyun recognises him as Donghyuck, quickly comes to his aid.

 

Sicheng shakes his head. “He’s new, still learning. Anyway as I was saying, both of you are more than-”

 

“-capable to afford a place of our own. Yes, I get it for the thousandth time,” Jaehyun says tiredly. “But I’m practically living alone already, he’s barely home because of his residency. And we’ve been living together for five years anyway, it’s more convenient than doing all the moving out and stuff.”

 

Ten looks at Sicheng and it’s obvious that they’re thinking the same thing. Jaehyun can tell they’ve talked about this issue before just between the two of them and he can’t help but feel slightly betrayed by the fact that they talk about him when they’re alone.

 

Jaehyun eyes them warily, unsure if he wants to know exactly what they’ve been talking about. It seems like Ten manages to make Sicheng give in because Sicheng’s the one who brings up the next sentence.

 

“Listen Jae, Ten and I were talking the other day - and it’s nothing bad I promise. We just,” he looks over at Ten for confirmation, or encouragement, Jaehyun isn’t sure, and Ten nods back at him. “We were wondering if there’s something you haven’t been telling us.”

 

Sicheng holds his breath and Ten looks just as apprehensive. Suddenly the air around them feels too thin and Jaehyun feels like he can’t breathe. They can’t be _serious_.

 

“What?” Jaehyun chokes out. “Don’t tell me you think, you think I still _feel_ something for Taeyong?” The mere thought of it itself is ridiculous and when said aloud, the incredulity of it increases ten-fold.

 

“It’s a possibility!” Ten says defensively. “Think about it! It explains why you refuse to move out and why you prepare him lunches and visit him at the hospital so often.”

 

It feels like there’s a minefield in his head and each of Ten’s word hit a landmine one after the other, triggering a series of explosion. It makes his head spins.

 

“I told you before, it’s not like that. We’re- we’re _just_ friends!”

 

“Fine, fine,” Sicheng placates him before the issue gets out of hand. “It’s just you had a crush on him back in college-”

 

“-for the shortest amount of time,” Jaehyun reminds him.

 

“-and we thought just maybe, you know? But if you say it’s not then we trust you.”

 

“Well I guess he could _really_ be totally over Taeyong,” Ten comments. “He did have a big crush on that other guy after Taeyong. What was his name? It was similar to ‘Taeyong’. Do you remember?”

 

“I think it was Daeyong? Or-”

 

“Ok that’s enough. I had a few crushes, I get it. But I most definitely do _not_ like Taeyong that way. We’re just really good friends, I care about him and he cares about me. Unromantically.”

 

“If you say so,” Ten says, not entirely convinced.

 

Mark, the new guy, arrives then with their coffees and the tray wobbles slightly in his hold. Jaehyun compliments him nevertheless, and Ten’s and Sicheng’s praises echo after his just to make Mark feel better about being new at the job. Jaehyun is thankful to Mark for the distraction because any further discussion on the topic is bound to drain all the energy out of him. Taeyong and him are just friends, he doesn’t know why it’s so hard for them to take it as it is.

 

—-

 

**_Taeyong_ **

_See you at lunch!_

**_Taeyong_ **

_Do you mind if Doyoung joins us today?_

**_Taeyong_ **

_Oh! And don’t go out of your way to prepare lunch for us, I’ll feel bad. Food from the cafeteria is fine!_

 

Jaehyun reads the messages as they come, making his phone buzz loudly on the kitchen countertop. He puts his hands on his hip, scans the chicken sizzling on the pan and the vegetables frying in the other. He figures adding one more portion wouldn’t take too much time.

 

Jaehyun arrives at the lobby and Taeyong is already there, playing excitedly with the few kids that are there. Jaehyun waves at him and he spends a few minutes trying to leave the kids to play by themselves before jogging over. He envelopes Jaehyun in a hug as a greeting and they make their way to the cafeteria as usual.

 

“I thought you said Doyoung would be joining us today,” Jaehyun says once they’ve settled at a table.

 

“He got caught up in some additional routine checks. He’ll be here soon,” Taeyong clarifies. He looks at the bento Jaehyun had placed on the table and his expression turns apologetic. “And I thought I told you not to prepare anything. This must have been a lot of work.”

 

“It’s nothing,” Jaehyun quickly dismisses his concern. “I was stuck at a plot anyway, might as well do something useful.”

 

Taeyong frowns. “You always give that excuse.”

 

“Because that’s always the case. You try writing and see how efficient you are at it. You’ll end up cleaning the whole house and have a grand progress of one sentence.”

 

“Ugh writers and their whinings,” Taeyong says with a teasing smile.

 

Jaehyun is about to throw back a comeback about resident doctors and their zombie lifestyle when a voice interrupts them.

 

“Hey, sorry I’m late! Hope you didn’t have to wait too long.”

 

Jaehyun’s eyes shift from Taeyong to the person that had just occupied the seat in front of him. He takes in the person’s face and suddenly it’s like he’s been sucked back in time. He blinks.

 

This face.

 

He knows this guy.

 

“ _Dongyoung?”_

Dongyoung, or Doyoung, Jaehyun doesn’t know if they’re supposedly the same person, looks at him questioningly before his face lights up with realisation.

 

“Oh my god, Jaehyung right?”

 

“Jaehyun, actually,” Jaehyun supplies awkwardly. It’s been so many years since they’ve last met. There’s a niggling feeling of disappointment at the fact that Dongyoung doesn’t remember his name that he brushes off.

 

“Sorry,” Dongyoung ( _Doyoung?_ ) smiles sheepishly. “My memory isn’t really the greatest.”

 

Taeyong looks at the both of them with a confused expression on his face. His eyebrows scrunch together into a single line. “Wait, you guys know each other?”

 

“Well yeah, briefly,” Dongyoung provides as he smiles at Jaehyun. Suddenly it feels like they’re back in college again. “We took the same science elective in college to clear the requirement.”

 

“We weren’t really… friends?” Jaehyun looks at Dongyoung carefully. “Just small talks here and there. But did I get your name wrong all this while? It’s Doyoung not Dongyoung?”

 

Dongyoung ( _Doyoung..?)_ and Taeyong exchange a look between themselves, eyes playful and mischievous and they break out in laughter. Jaehyun feels like he’s been left out from an inside joke. “What is it?” he asks, laughing along without really knowing why.

 

Dongyoung ( _Or Doyoung?_ ) draws in a breath to maintain his composure. “It’s both,” he says with a grin.

 

Jaehyun looks at him quizzically and Dongyoung ( _Doyoung? Which is it??_ ) explains further.

 

“You’re right don’t worry, it’s Dongyoung. I wanted the kids to call me by my name instead of ‘doctor’ so that it’ll feel like I’m their friend. But I guess my name’s too hard for them to pronounce so it’s become Doyoung. And soon enough everyone in the department adopted it.” He looks at Taeyong specifically. “ _Everyone_.”

 

“I started it,” Taeyong provides as an explanation. “But it’s cute!” He gently holds on to Doyoung’s arm to assure him. His eyes are bright and there’s a faint shade of pink highlighting his cheeks, though it’s not very obvious to people who aren’t use to the subtle changes in his expression. “It suits you. And the kids love calling you that.”

 

 

“Well it does make for a good nickname I guess,” Doyoung says with a soft smile in return.

 

Jaehyun fidgets in his seat. He doesn’t feel like he should be around suddenly, especially not with where the atmosphere seems to be heading. But he’s already sitting here and he hasn’t eaten lunch yet.

 

“We should probably eat before the food turns cold,” Jaehyun clears his throat and unpacks the different layers of the bento. There are stir-fried vegetables, omelet rolls, grilled chicken breast, and a whole bunch of other side dishes.

 

“Did you cook this?” Doyoung asks as he takes it all in. “This is amazing. Are you a chef by any chance?”

 

Jaehyun laughs. “No, I just cook when I have time. It’s nothing fancy but I hope you like it.”

 

Taeyong looks at him fondly, the usual look he gives him when he’s proud of or thankful to Jaehyun, or a mixture of both. It makes Jaehyun feel hyperaware. “He’s actually really great at everything. He’s a novelist but he also crushes it when it comes to cooking or sports. Whatever it is, he can do it. He makes it hard for us average beings.”

 

“Please, I can’t save lives like you guys do.”

 

“I’m sure if you had decided to, you would be amazing at it too,” Doyoung tells him genuinely. Jaehyun tries not to blush under the sudden ambush of compliments.

 

“Alright, I get it. Payment by compliments, right? Now please dig in.”

 

—----

 

Jaehyun can’t fall asleep but he isn’t really up for writing either, even if Taeil has already set a deadline for the first manuscript. Jaehyun has always believed that it’s better not writing at all than to force something out in times when inspiration hardly hits. He has always written best when he’s excited about certain scenes or ideas. Currently, he’s in no way excited about anything regarding his story. He doesn’t feel motivated to work on it but he can’t help feel restless about not doing anything while being awake, so he takes his journal and ventures out into the living room.

 

It’s slightly past midnight and Taeyong should be back anytime soon since he has the day ‘off’ tomorrow. It’s his first in a long while. Technically residents don’t really get ‘off days’ so if he gets called back in on an ‘off day’, then that’s that. But the great thing about the hospital he’s doing his residency at is that the staff there tries their best not to touch an ‘off day’ and so far Taeyong had only been called back just a couple of times.

 

Jaehyun curls up on the couch and writes instead about trivial things he noticed throughout the day. Like how the leaves had danced and swirled elegantly in the air when the breeze blew, creating a scene that looked like it belonged in a movie. Or when he was at Sicheng’s cafe earlier and noticed how Mark’s ears had turned red as an oblivious Donghyuck adjusted his apron for him. Or how on his walk home he saw a cute puppy excitedly chase after a butterfly. He’s about to write another one down when the front door clicks and footsteps sound from the doorway.

 

Jaehyun had chosen to work in the dark, using whatever light that was coming in from the open window as a light source (even if he knows it’s bad for his eyes). He thought it would help him fall back asleep easier with minimal light around. So it explains why an unsuspecting Taeyong freezes when he switches on the light and sees an unexpected Jaehyun on the couch.

 

Taeyong frowns as he walks forward, sinking into the space beside Jaehyun, his tired body embracing the softness of the couch. “Is this one of those writer things again? Writing in the dark at one a.m.?”

 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Jaehyun shrugs simply.

 

Taeyong barks a laugh as he stretches his arms over his head. “That’s a phrase you never hear in the hospital.” He lets out a wide yawn as if to prove his point.

 

“You should quickly wash up and go rest,” Jaehyun tells him, clicking his pen absentmindedly. He knows how tiring it can be for residents. Taeyong needs all the sleep he can get.

 

Taeyong nods but doesn’t get off the couch, instead choosing to turn sideways to face Jaehyun. He rests his head on the couch, tilted to one side as he speaks. It reminds Jaehyun of a kitten, the way Taeyong curls up comfortably on the couch.

 

“Can I ask you something?”

 

Taeyong usually never asks beforehand because he knows he doesn’t have to when it’s just them. Both of them have always been open books around each other. They don’t really try to hide anything because they understand each other best, sometimes even better than their own best friends. Jaehyun tells him almost everything except for maybe a few crushes he kept to himself, but other than that they’re always open and welcoming of each other.

 

He can tell that there’s something weighing on Taeyong’s mind and he wonders why Taeyong is acting so cautious and unsure.

 

“Of course. What is it?” Jaehyun puts his journal on the coffee table in front and waits for Taeyong to continue.

 

“I… the thing is, you knew Doyoung in college, right? And I was thinking…. I was wondering if you could tell me what kind of person he is.” Taeyong bites on his lips subconsciously and he looks uncertain, tension obvious in his shoulders.

 

Jaehyun had wondered when the topic would finally come up.

 

Jaehyun shifts slightly and wonders where to begin. “Well I told you I didn’t really know him on a personal level,” Jaehyun starts. He thinks back to his second year of college when he took that same science elective as Doyoung. He thinks of how Doyoung had always sat in the front row while he sat at the back. He thinks about the time Doyoung had helped pick up his papers when he tripped over his shoelace. He thinks of the small talks they exchanged and the friendly smiles Doyoung throws to him and Ten whenever he saw them. He thinks of Doyoung running after Ten to return him a pen he had dropped, a cheap, easily replaceable _pen._ And he thinks of the time he saw Doyoung sharing his umbrella with a stray kitten on campus, before picking it up and sheltering it under his jacket. He remembers how Doyoung had acted with the kids the first time he saw him in the hospital lobby.

 

Jaehyun may not know Doyoung extremely well, but he knew Doyoung from college and the Doyoung he saw in the lobby didn’t seem much different from the Doyoung then, whom Jaehyun had thought was extremely courteous and compassionate. Seeing as how he’s still the same, Jaehyun can tell he’s definitely more than _just_ a nice person. He’s the type of guy that Taeyong deserves. Someone as kind, helpful and brilliant as he is.

 

Jaehyun studies Taeyong’s expression carefully. “But I’d say the impression you have of him is probably the same as the one I have.”

 

He knows what Taeyong thinks of Doyoung. He knows it from how Taeyong smiles subconsciously when he speaks of Doyoung and the way he reacts when he catches himself rambling about his day at the hospital with Doyoung.

 

“He’s a great guy. He’s a really good one. It’s hard to find someone as genuine as him.”

 

Taeyong looks at him, eyes wide and searching for assurance. “You think so? Because he’s been nothing but sweet to the kids and he makes me laugh even if he gets on my nerves on purpose sometimes.” A small smile forms on his face. “We connect in a lot of things and I catch myself thinking about him. I… I want to believe he is exactly how he acts, but I don’t know. I’ve seen too many people putting up a front to rise in ranks faster and…” Taeyong looks down and fiddles with his thumbs. “I just can’t be sure.”

 

Jaehyun takes it all in stride and wonders about the words Taeyong wants to hear and the words he should say. “I honestly don’t think he’s that type of person, and I think deep down you know he’s not like that as well.”

 

“I don’t know, Jaehyun.”

 

There’s a funny feeling in his stomach that he pushes away. “Give it a chance, trust me.”

 

“You’re telling me to go for it?”

 

He doesn’t know why it feels like there’s a stone ledged in his chest but he ignores it and gives Taeyong an encouraging smile. “Yeah, ask him out. Go get him.”

 

Taeyong blushes and the smile that accompanies it is endearing.

 

“I should ask him out, shouldn’t I?” Taeyong giggles. He reaches out and holds Jaehyun’s hand gingerly. “Thanks for listening to my stupid thoughts. You must think I’m being really silly.”

 

“You’re not. And your thoughts aren’t stupid. You know you can tell me anything.”

 

Taeyong smiles and he pats Jaehyun’s hand. He stands to make for his room. “I’m going to go wash up. Do you me to turn the lights off?”

 

Jaehyun nods. Taeyong walks away and when Jaehyun thinks he’s gone, he comes back with a matchbox. He lights up a match and bends down to light the candle on the coffee table.

 

“You always say the scent helps you write better.” The candlelight sways gently, giving off a warm glow as it entices shadows from the corners of the room.

 

“Goodnight Jaehyun,” Taeyong says and ruffles his hair. He disappears into his room after switching the lights off, leaving Jaehyun with the accompaniment of a single flickering light, the scent of lavender and a hundred different thoughts in his mind. He brushes off the unsettling feeling in his chest and hopes he’s done the right thing.

 

\----

 

“Can’t we just get to it?” Jaehyun groans, his upper torso stretched over the table, his head tucked and hidden between his arms. “Can we _please_ do what we’re here for.”

 

Taeil hums. “Well, it looks to me like we’re at a lovely café. And what else to do at a café than to catch up with your friends?”

 

Jaehyun slumps back against his chair with more force than necessary and folds his arm against his chest, as if possessed by a ten-year-old. “We’re meeting as editor and client,” Jaehyun grits out. “So please just give me your comments already so I can go home and cry about it.”

 

Taeil shakes his head and sips at his coffee. “Can’t I just spend some time with you as a friend? There’s no need to always be about business.”

 

“Not when you’re gonna critique my work and hurt my feelings.”

 

Jaehyun doesn’t mean it of course. Taeil’s been with him since the very beginning and he can’t imagine having any other main editor apart from Taeil. Taeil always hypes his plot and storyline but he also doesn’t hold back from telling Jaehyun which parts he should throw out. Despite his harsh critics and high expectations, Taeil never forgets to praise the parts Jaehyun’s done fantastically as well. Jaehyun appreciates Taeil’s each and every comment, good or bad, because that’s what managed to get his books published in the first place and become so well-received. The success of his novels are as much his efforts as it is Taeil’s. Taeil says Jaehyun’s the source of all the creation but really, Jaehyun wouldn’t be where he is without Taeil.

 

“Okay fine. Here,” Taeil slides a folder across the table. “As usual, in red are things that you should take note and change to make it flow better, the green ones are parts I really like and hope you don’t change them and the black ones are vague at best and nonsense at worst.”

 

Jaehyun sighs and pulls his manuscript out of the folder and flips through it. The red and black ink catches his eyes the most but it’s likely because he’s come to prioritise constructive comments lest the compliments get to his head.

 

They spend about three hours going over Taeil’s comments, Jaehyun explaining and giving his own input in addition to noting the changes he has to make. At the end of the session there’s four cups of coffee between them, along with two servings of pastries.

 

“You know Jaehyun, I really like where this part of the series is going.”

 

The confession catches Jaehyun off-guard. Taeil had admitted that novels aren’t really his preference, even if he has pushed so many novels to success, Jaehyun’s included. So when Taeil says he likes it, it usually is a very good sign.

 

“I have to say if you’re trying to flatter me then it’s working.”

 

Taeil laughs. “I do mean it. But I just wish there was a greater impact somewhere. The climax of the story. It doesn’t... hit hard enough. Your protagonist, she’s confused about falling in love when her child is dying, and so is the child of her love interest. I want the heartbreak she feels to feel like my own. I want it to crush me.”

 

Jaehyun blows a low-whistle. “You want to be hurt that badly?”

 

“Sad stories make good books,” Taeil says, the corners of his lips giving way for a hint of a smirk. It’s a line from one of Jaehyun’s favourite books.

 

Jaehyun raises his eyebrows skeptically. “There’s a lot of heartbreak in this one. Do you want to be torn apart by the romantic tragedy or the mother-daughter desperation?”

 

Taeil smiles, scary in the way he looks at Jaehyun like Jaehyun already knows his answer. “Break my heart over and over. And you’ll end up with a stunning story.”

 

—

 

There’s a lot of noise in the background, mostly static and the booming of a bass. Jaehyun strains his ears to catch what Taeyong’s saying on the other end but it’s hard to make out his voice when it’s being drowned by so many loud interferences.

 

“Taeyong? Taeyong I can’t hear you. Where are you?”

 

There’s the sound of laughter and cheer, and then some shuffling. The background noises become softer and softer. Taeyong finally responds, huffing into the phone as he does so.

 

“Can you hear me now? Sorry I’m at a club and there’s a lot of things going on inside. I’ve just managed to come out for a while.”

 

“I hear you clearer now. You were saying you’re at a club?” Jaehyun’s voice increases in pitch. There’s a faint hint of smugness when he says the next sentence. “Let me guess, courtesy of Johnny and Yuta?”

 

Johnny and Yuta are Taeyong’s best friends who had also studied medicine in college and like Taeyong are currently doing their residency in different hospitals. They were infamous for being party animals despite the massive coursework they had and being best friends with them meant that Taeyong had been to plenty of clubs in those days, a distinct difference compared to now. Residency prevents them from living out like their younger selves although they do sometimes try to get together once in a while to destress and have fun. They never really get shit-faced drunk because Taeyong would never allow it, but they still do enjoy themselves.

 

Jaehyun’s actually surprised they’ve managed to find a common time so quick after the last time they met, which was only about a few weeks ago. He knows resident doctors barely have time to sleep as it is.

 

“Uh no actually,” Taeyong says and a short pause follows by some rustling and the sound of footsteps. “I’m with Doyoung. And a few other residents, the usual bunch. We wanted enjoy our first night off in a long while.”

 

“Oh,” Jaehyun says quietly. “That sounds nice. Will you be coming back late?”

 

“That reminds me of why I called you. Doyoung’s place is near here and I don’t think we’re going to end very early from how things are looking. They’re having this stupid competition about who’s tolerance is higher, it’s really dumb,” Taeyong laughs. “So yeah… I’ll be crashing over at Doyoung’s tonight.”

 

“Sounds wild,” Jaehyun laughs but it doesn’t ring as cheerfully as Taeyong’s does. “Well I guess have fun? Don’t drink too much and say hi to Doyoung for me.”

 

“You should do something fun too,” Taeyong tells him. “Call Ten and Sicheng! Get wasted! Do something, get out of your writer zone tonight.”

 

Jaehyun can vaguely here someone calling out for Taeyong and he guesses it must be Doyoung from the familiar timbre of his voice. He figures he should end the call.

 

“I’ll see what I can do about that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“Have a fun night Jaehyun!”

 

 

 

There’s a pack of beer in the middle of the circle they’ve formed. Another pack had been opened and done with, the packaging of which thrown somewhere around the living room. They’re sitting on the wooden floor instead of on proper seats because Ten had wanted to reminisce their college days. So that’s how they ended up with grease-stained boxes of fried chicken and packs of beer on the floor of Jaehyun’s apartment as they form a cult-like circle around them.

 

“It’s seriously been so long since we’ve done this,” Ten says as he leans back on his elbows in a relaxed manner, content from the heavenly combination of beer and fried-chicken.

 

“You make us sound so old,” Sicheng says as he scrunches his face. “It’s just that we’re real adults now, with real things to do.”

 

Jaehyun snorts. “Glad to know we’re not fake adults anymore.”

 

“I miss this. We used to do this often when we were in college,” Ten says wistfully. He turns sharply to Sicheng and his lips curve up, mischief glinting in his eyes. “Remember that time you got dead-drunk because Kun rejected all your advances?”

 

Sicheng grimaces and shuts his eyes tight, as if willing the memory of it to fade into nothingness. “Don’t remind me. Those were dark and difficult times.”

 

Jaehyun laughs heartily and points his beer can in Sicheng’s direction. “Hey, you got him in the end, didn’t you? And still going strong might I add.” Ten and Jaehyun wiggle their eyebrows suggestively at Sicheng.

 

“Bunch of twelve-year-olds. At least _I_ got my man in the end. Remember when Jaehyun wouldn’t stop whining about how ‘ _nice and perfect’_ Taeyong was? I swear my ear was gonna fall off.”

 

“And he got his man now too,” Ten says bringing up his beer can to clink with Sicheng’s.

 

“ _Please_. I was over it in about a month when I realised it was more of admiration. And we definitely are _not_ together. Stop saying that we are!” Jaehyun lets out exasperatedly.

 

“Okay, but remember the guy he had a crush on after that? Boy, that lasted for quite a while,” Sicheng says obnoxiously.

 

“Yeah, he wouldn’t stop admiring the back of his head during lecture every time. You were lucky you didn’t take that elective, else your ear would really have fallen off.”

 

“Ahhh, that guy,” Sicheng taps his beer can against his temple as he tries to bring back the memories. “Daeyong right? Jaehyun had to give him up when he learnt that he already had a boyfriend.”

 

Ten looks forlornly at Jaehyun. “He was really sad about it. He walked around with a cloud over his head for weeks.”

 

“Guys, stop,” Jaehyun groans, hiding his face between his knees. He’s sure the tips of his ears are red and it’s likely due to the combination of the alcohol and the teasing. He can still remember those days distinctly. He remembers the way he trudged and carried his heavy heart around for days and more days after. It’s like he can feel it right now, the way he felt back then.

 

Ten reaches out and places him palm on Jaehyun’s knee. It’s warm and comfortingly familiar. It always puts Jaehyun at ease. He thinks Ten might be working up to something.

 

“But honestly jokes aside, are you sure you feel nothing for Taeyong at all? You do spend a lot of time with him.” His voice gentle and concerned.

 

There it is, what Ten’s trying to dig at. Jaehyun lifts his head and rests his chin on his knees. He gives out a tired sigh that sounds almost sad.

 

“We’re not cornering you. We’re just looking out for you, you know that,” Sicheng says and his eyes are round and soft-looking. It makes the concern in his voice stand out even more.

 

“I know. It’s just, it’s complicated,” Jaehyun says quietly. “Taeyong…. he has this person he likes. He’s seeing someone.” 

 

Sicheng’s intake of breath is silently loud and Ten’s grip on his knee tightens. He’s sure that it’ll leave a mark when he lets go. Jaehyun understands the reason for their reactions but he can’t help the unsettling feeling in his stomach. He knows they’re worried for him but it feels out of place.

 

“Is that why you sounded upset earlier when you said Taeyong’s not coming home tonight?” Ten asks carefully. It’s as if he’s treading on something delicate, but Jaehyun thinks his feelings aren’t frail enough to be treated that way. He doesn’t want to think he’s that weak.

 

“Guys, please. Let’s not,” Jaehyun struggles to say as emotions start bubbling up. “Not tonight.” He isn’t up for talking about it at the moment but he doesn’t think he’ll be up to talk about it any time soon either. He doesn’t know how to bring it up.

 

“Oh Jaehyun,” Sicheng says and it sounds so sorry Jaehyun almost feels sorry for himself too. But he pushes it down - all his feelings, he tries to put them away.

 

“Whenever you want to, you know we’re here.”

 

Ten brings Jaehyun’s head down on his shoulder and Jaehyun lets his head rest there, feeling thankful and sorry to his friends. He blinks a few times, trying to rid of the sudden wetness of his eyes. He’ll tell them everything when he’s ready, but for now he’ll allow himself to bask in the affection and concern they give him without question. Ten cards through his hair softly and Sicheng pats his back so gently he can cry at the amount of care they’re giving him. He really doesn’t deserve them, and that’s why he loves them even more.

 

“I know. Thanks, you guys,” he says and he ignores the way it comes out choked.

 

\-----

 

Jaehyun balances the boxes of extra-large pizzas in his arms as he tries to navigate his way to the field, half on his vision blocked by the stack that he’s holding. He repeats the directions Taeyong’s given him in his head and he can only hope that he’s walking in the right direction. It can’t be that hard to find the field when it’s right by the hospital, right? Even with his vision compromised?

 

He walks precariously forward, and he eventually sees his feet stepping onto a patch of green grass. The shrill shouts and laughter of children greets his ears, a reassuring sound confirming that he’s reached the correct destination. He tries not to trip over his own feet, especially since lunch is on the line. He thinks he’s got it but his foot suddenly hits something and he almost doesn’t catch himself in time if not for a helping grip on his arm to anchor him back down. A few boxes disappear from his view next, granting his vision back and he’s greeted by Doyoung’s appearance.

 

 “Doyoung,” Jaehyun says breathlessly.

 

“Careful, you almost tripped on that cone,” Doyoung says, carrying half of the pizza boxes he’s taken from Jaehyun.

 

“Thanks for the save,” Jaehyun says and he gestures to the pizza boxes in Doyoung’s arms. “And for this too.”

 

Doyoung walks alongside him as they make their way to the tentage area at the far-end of the field. “I was more worried about the food than I was for you but you’re welcome,” Doyoung says and his lips stretch out into an easy grin. The laugh that escapes him is light and cheerful.

 

Jaehyun scoffs but his lips curl up into a smile. “Thanks for the concern, doc.”

 

They reach the tentage area and lay out the food on the foldable tables that have been set-up. Doyoung drags an empty plastic chair near and passes it to Jaehyun before dragging another one for himself. They settle down under the shade of the tent with the field in their view.

 

“I’m glad you could make it. It means a lot to the kids to have people come and spend time with them.”

 

In front of them, a group of kids are running around kicking a soccer ball along with a few adults, some of which Jaehyun recognizes as the medical staff. Taeyong’s there too, running in no specific direction as he tries helplessly to snatch the ball away. His hair is plastered to his forehead and the kids are purposely kicking the ball back and forth to tease him. He sees Yuta siding with the kids to give Taeyong a hard time, a wide grin on his face even if he seems to be drenched in sweat. The sun seems to shine exceptionally brighter today than the previous days, as if knowing the kids are out to play. Their cheeks are a rosy red and they look like they’re having fun. The nurses and doctors seem to have permanent smiles on their faces as well. Jaehyun watches fondly at the scene taking place in front of him.

 

Taeyong had mentioned to him last week about a mini game-and-picnic day that they’re planning for the kids. Summer had just rolled in and the residents thought it would put a smile on the kids’ faces if they got to play under the sun, a luxury they don’t enjoy often, especially for kids who are warded indefinitely. Taeyong said that they’re all inviting a few people over to make the kids feel even more excited by the turnout and he’d already extend the invitation out to Johnny and Yuta. He had smiled at Jaehyun with his bright innocent eyes and told him he’d be glad if Jaehyun would be free to come as well.

 

So Jaehyun arrives with eight boxes of pizza, definitely going against the diet that the kids have to adhere to, which he knows they will be delighted by. He would be the doctors’ number one enemy if he hadn’t consult Taeyong beforehand about it, so he obviously did and Taeyong had called him back saying that they’ll making today a special exception for their meals. He thanked Jaehyun excitedly after.

 

Jaehyun glances over at Doyoung subtly, sees how he smiles warmly as he watches the kids play enthusiastically. He watches how Doyoung’s eyes stray over to Taeyong, following Taeyong as he runs and jumps about with the kids, watches how Doyoung laughs quietly when Taeyong laughs without a care. Taeyong deserves to have someone who cares for him so deeply. Jaehyun brings his eyes away.

 

“You haven’t been making visits as frequent as before,” Doyoung speaks again. “It’s weird now that there’s no creepy guy with his brown journal sitting in the lobby. There’s no one to share my coffee breaks with.”

 

“It’s better now that I’m not there, is what you’re saying?” Jaehyun raises his eyebrows teasingly. “I don’t have any reason to go there anymore. Part of the reason I come is to make sure Taeyong doesn’t skip his meals and from what Taeyong’s been telling me, you’re doing a good job in my place.”

 

“I don’t bring him packed lunches but I do drag him down to the cafeteria. I don’t know if that’s considered doing a good job.” Doyoung replies with an easy grin. Jaehyun notes how easily they fall into conversation and he honestly doesn’t know if he’s okay with it, if he’s ready to be comfortable enough around Doyoung without Taeyong popping in his mind. It’s another reason why he stops coming to the hospital as well.

 

“What’s the other reason you come to visit then?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You said it’s part of the reason,” Doyoung reminds him, bumping his shoulder with Jaehyun’s. “What other reasons are there?”

 

“Oh, uh. It’s for my book. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I do a lot of observing when I come over. I also ask the nurses a lot of questions, so much that I think they turn away whenever they see me,” Jaehyun jokes. “I have a character with a sick child and I’m not too familiar with hospitals and pediatrics so it’s for research in a way?”

 

Doyoung hums. “I’ve always wondered what you wrote in that journal of yours. You should give us a copy of your book when it’s done,” Doyoung tells him, eyes playful and teasing. “For all the help we’ve directly and indirectly given you.”

 

“If you would want it,” Jaehyun tells him without really thinking much of it. He always has a copy for Taeyong whenever his books get published. He can get one for Doyoung and the hospital as well.

 

Doyoung’s eyes soften and it’s sincere what he says next. “I wasn’t serious about that, but I would appreciate it a lot.”

 

Jaehyun wishes he wasn’t so nice. It makes Jaehyun feel bad for wanting to hate him.

 

“How come you’re not out on the field?” Jaehyun changes pace. “I’m sure Taeyong and the kids would love it if you’re out there with them.”

 

“I was, but wait for it-” Doyoung pauses for effect, “Taeyong and the kids actually kicked me out. He says I play with two left feet. I can’t really disagree with him there. At least he’s still having a great time. Look at him,” Doyoung says, tilting his head forward to where Taeyong is. He chuckles when Taeyong falls flat on his butt, a pout evident on his face.

 

The fondness is obvious when Doyoung talks about Taeyong. It’s discernable in his voice, in his eyes, in his gestures. It’s so loud and clear, how much Taeyong means to him. The mixture of care, desire, endearment, and passion are portrayed in his eyes whenever he looks at Taeyong. It’s undeniably sweet and adorable but all it does is make Jaehyun feel pathetic. He reminds himself that Taeyong deserves this, someone who can be there and do it all for him.

 

“I – can I ask you something?” Jaehyun says in the spur of the moment. He doesn’t know what had compelled him to but now that he’s asked there’s no point taking it back. He thinks maybe it’s the urging desire to know, to confirm it himself.

 

Doyoung doesn’t pay much mind to the spontaneity of the question. He replies in a relaxed manner. “Shoot.”

 

Jaehyun turns to him and he knows his face is blank, but the question he asks is heavy with meaning. “You really like him, don’t you?”

 

it seems to throw Doyoung off-balance, judging from how flustered he seems to be. “What kind of question is that?” he laughs awkwardly. His voice turns gentle. “I mean, of course. Why else would we be together?”

 

Jaehyun looks at him understandingly, gives him a moment or two to think about it before he continues. “I know you guys have only been together for almost a year but you really care about him a lot, don’t you? He mentioned you came up with the idea of this event when he whined about the kids not having opportunities to go outside to enjoy summer.”

 

Doyoung nods slowly in response, seeming slightly unsure about what Jaehyun is trying to get at. “Yeah I did. He looked so down and upset, I suggested it without thinking about all the approvals I had to get from the higher-ups. But it got him smiling immediately and I felt better seeing _him_ feel better and-” Doyoung swallows and he looks at Jaehyun apprehensively. Jaehyun sees the realization slowly dawn upon him. “And I - I just had to make the event happen. Looking at how excited he got.” Doyoung pauses, and he seems to be going through some internal dilemma.

 

“Jaehyun, why are you asking me this?”

 

“Why do you think?” Jaehyun cocks his head, a calm expression on his face.

 

Doyoung remains silent for a few beats. He swallows and looks at Jaehyun. “Jaehyun, I - I think-”

 

As a novelist, Jaehyun already knows what he’s going to say. It’s so obvious. He’s written countless of scenes like this, read about them even more times than he’s written them and he’s watched scenes like this play out in movies that he watches for inspiration. From how enamored Doyoung is by Taeyong, to how he affectionately talks about him and to how important it is for him to see Taeyong happy. It’s so obvious what he’s going to say. So painfully obvious and painfully true. Jaehyun thinks it’s time to raise the white flag.

 

“You think you love him,” Jaehyun states.

 

Doyoung blinks at the statement and he goes quiet. He turns to the field and he doesn’t say anything, simply watching the game silently. Jaehyun knows he’s not really aware of what’s happening in the game. He’s watching more of Taeyong than the game itself and as quiet as he appears to be, there’s probably a thousand thoughts rushing through his mind. Doyoung exhales slowly after a while and it seems to bring him out of his trance-like state. He finally responds to Jaehyun’s statement, his voice firm and steady when he says it, all the while his eyes never straying away from what he’s been looking at all the while. There’s a hint of a fond smile from the corner of his lips.

 

“I think I do.”

 

Jaehyun doesn’t say anything back, simply nods calmly in response. He doesn’t look at Doyoung, choosing to look in front as well. Taeyong is running about with the kids, his smile bright and his cheeks flushed. Jaehyun nods again, this time in understanding and more for himself rather than in response to Doyoung. The shatter of his heart is loud but Taeyong’s smile when he looks over at Doyoung is louder. Doyoung’s smile in return to Taeyong as Taeyong jogs his way over is too bright. It’s suddenly all too much.

 

His white flag flies higher, waves stronger in defeat.

 

“I’ll go play with the kids while you two get the servings ready for lunch,” Jaehyun tells Doyoung and he moves towards the field, jogging past Taeyong to go to Yuta, offering him only a small smile instead of the usual hug. He doesn’t think it’ll make him feel better, unlike all the previous times.

 

\--------

 

They’re in the club, one that Jaehyun’s been to a few times before but it looks different tonight compared to any other nights. Streamers of gold and silver hang from the ceiling, twirling and reflecting the bright lights about the place, causing a twinkling effect of sorts. There are large number 2 and 5 balloons near a table that’s been set up and covered with drinks and small bites. The air is heavy with the mixed scent of musky cologne and floral perfume. It’s not overly crowded but it’s definitely a huge number of people. The music playing from the speakers pumps up the atmosphere and the people around look like they’re enjoying themselves. Jaehyun thinks he should loosen up and enjoy the party like everyone else.

 

Jaehyun spots Taeyong near the side of the bar and it’s quite a means to get there. He has to squeeze through crowds of people, some of whom he knows from years back. He greets the familiar faces along the way, giving polite smiles and saying out names he hasn’t said in a while. He mostly knows them through Taeyong, which explains why he sees them here – it’s Taeyong’s birthday party. Jaehyun throws a glance back every few steps to check that Ten isn’t lost in the crowd somewhere or has already abandoned him before they even wish Taeyong a happy birthday. Ten is thankfully still behind him and he holds on to the belt loop of Jaehyun’s pants to keep as close to Jaehyun as possible, lest they get separated.

 

“Uh I should probably mention that I forgot the most important thing to a birthday party,” Ten raises his voice against the booming of music, popping his head above Jaehyun’s shoulder.

 

“I thought to write your name on the card, don’t worry,” Jaehyun says as he shakes the carefully wrapped present in front of Ten’s face, showing a small card pasted on the front.

 

Ten’s face lights up with glee. “Man, you’re the best.” He releases his hold on Jaehyun’s belt loop and links his arm in Jaehyun’s instead, reasoning that it’ll hold better against the resistance of bodies they have to push through. Ten is clingy like that.

 

“Will his boyfriend be here? I can’t believe I haven’t met him yet.” Ten says, his eyes scanning through the crowd as if he can tell with one look, coupled with insufficient information, who Taeyong’s boyfriend is.

 

“I don’t imagine he’ll miss out on Taeyong’s special day. He did plan it together with Johnny and Yuta.”

 

Jaehyun stretches his neck to get a better view of the bar, in case Taeyong’s been whisked away by someone else to another part of the club. Taeyong is still there and he manages to spot Jaehyun as well. He breaks out into a grin and gives a small wave, beckoning Jaehyun to come over.

 

“You _will_ tell me if you uncomfortable about being here, won’t you?” Ten asks in a hushed whisper. “I know it’s Taeyong’s night tonight, but that doesn’t mean your obliged to stay if you don’t want to.”

 

“Ten, I’ll be fine.”

 

Ten grips his arm tighter. “I’m just looking out for you.”

 

“I know, but maybe not tonight,” Jaehyun tells him reassuringly. “I’ll try not to let anything affect me tonight.” He pulls Ten forward and they’re only a few meters till they reach where Taeyong is.

 

“What’s Taeyong’s boyfriend’s name though?” Ten’s brows furrow in concentration. “I don’t think you ever mentioned-”

 

“Hey guys!” Taeyong appears in front of them, looking extremely bubbly and cheerful. There’s a plastic golden crown on his head but it’s slanted to one side, looking dangerously close to falling off especially with how much Taeyong is moving. His neck and his cheeks are flushed, indicating that he’s had a few drinks already. His smile is wide and toothy and the air around him seems to buzz from how much energy he’s radiating. He’s practically bouncing on his feet while talking to them.

 

“Ten! It’s been so long since I last saw you! You’re looking great,” Taeyong chats excitedly. He notices that the usual trio has been reduced to a duo tonight. He frowns. “Where’s Sicheng?”

 

“You look good too!” Ten replies just as energetically. His lips turn downwards, forming the hint of a pout when he says, “Sicheng couldn’t make it tonight.”

 

“He has some last-minute family stuff on Kun’s side. He said to tell you that he wishes you a happy birthday,” Jaehyun says with a comforting smile. He hands Taeyong’s present over to him. “From us.”

 

“Happy birthday!” Ten shouts, momentarily disabling Jaehyun’s right ear.

 

“Thanks! I’m sure I’ll love it. Pass my thanks to Sicheng too,” Taeyong says, holding the gift preciously in his arms. It is very characteristic of Taeyong to love whatever gifts he receives even without knowing what they are, because the sentiment of it is enough to make him feel touched. Taeyong has a gentle heart which Jaehyun only knows too well.

 

Something catches Taeyong’s attention from behind Ten and Jaehyun because his face suddenly lights up, his eyes curving into crescent. He looks impossibly happier than he already is. “Ten, you haven’t met Doyoung yet have you? Let me introduce you guys!”

 

Taeyong places his gift on the bar counter to free his hands so that he can pull Doyoung in for a hug. The intensity of it brings Doyoung stumbling into Taeyong and he laughs before pulling back to look at Taeyong amusedly, his hand resting on Taeyong’s waist. Taeyong leans forward and pecks his lips.

 

“Someone’s being clingy. How much did you drink?” Doyoung says, not yet aware of Jaehyun’s and Ten’s presence as he looks concernedly at Taeyong.

 

“Not as much as you think,” Taeyong says with a hint of playfulness. “I want you to meet my friend! He’s also Jaehyun’s best friend.”

 

Doyoung turns to where Taeyong is gesturing, his hold on Taeyong still firm and steady. “Hi I’m Dongyoung, or Doyoung, whichever is fine.” It takes him a few seconds to process who’s in front of him and his tone is laced with pleasant surprise. “ _Ten_?”

 

“ _You_?” Ten says unbelievingly at the same time.

 

Jaehyun swallows nervously, sensing the gaze Ten has set on him. “Ten, you remember Dongyoung from college, right?”

 

“I do. I remember his face, forgot his name though,” Ten tries at a joke, but his eyes convey an entirely different thing to Jaehyun when he glances at him.

 

“It’s nice to see you again! It’s been years since we’ve last talked to each other, hasn’t it?” Doyoung says in amazement.

 

“I forgot that you guys probably already knew each other,” Taeyong says with a laugh. “Seems like my party brought a mini reunion.”

 

“You got that right,” Ten says, the smile on his face a bit unnatural.  “What a small world. I’m sorry, this is so unexpected. Jaehyun never told me you’re Taeyong’s boyfriend.”

 

That’s because Jaehyun avoids talking about it. He sees Taeyong together with Doyoung enough, there’s no need for him to talk about them when they’re not around either. He doesn’t want his mind to constantly be filled with thoughts of them.

 

“Must have slipped my mind,” Jaehyun suggests weakly. “Surprise?”

 

“Very.” Ten says as he looks pointedly at Jaehyun and he shifts his attention back to the couple. “I heard from Jaehyun you guys met at the hospital.”

 

“We’re residents at the same hospital,” Doyoung supplies. “We’re praying hard neither of us will be called back in tonight. Though I think we’re safe because one of the nurses mentioned they have more than enough hands on deck.”

 

 “Keeping our fingers crossed,” Taeyong crinkles his nose. “Jaehyun, why don’t you and Ten get yourselves a drink? I’m going to go put your gift together with the others and then,” he turns to Doyoung for confirmation. “Cake cutting?”

 

Doyoung nods and his eyes land on the askew crown on Taeyong’s head. “You’re more of a handful than the kids,” he mumbles as he adjusts the crown on Taeyong’s head gingerly. Jaehyun doesn’t miss the way it makes Taeyong blush.

 

“I’ll accompany the prince to keep his gift. Be sure to have fun okay?” Doyoung tells them. He intertwines his fingers with Taeyong’s and Taeyong thanks them for coming before Doyoung leads him away.

 

Once Taeyong and Doyoung are gone, Jaehyun and Ten settle themselves on the stools at the bar. Jaehyun sits limply, his shoulders hanging low as Ten gives the bartender an order of two martinis.

 

So much for not letting anything affect him tonight. He’s such a mess.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me it was him?” Ten demands quietly, his voice firm yet patient. “It all makes sense now.”

 

“What does?” Jaehyun sighs.

 

“Why you said it’s complicated.” Ten says and looks at him despairingly. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

 

“What’s the point?” Jaehyun laughs dryly. It’s a horrible sound even to his own ears. “It’s not like you could have done anything to change it.”

 

“But if we had known -”

 

“You would what?” Jaehyun says sharply, his gaze piercing when he looks at Ten. “There’s nothing you can do to change it, Ten. You can’t change it and neither can I.”

 

“We could have actually done something instead of letting it eat you away on the inside!” Ten says angrily. “Were you ever planning on telling us?”

 

Jaehyun avoids looking at Ten, avoids the fire in his eyes. His voice is quiet, scared and miserable when he talks. “I was the one who told Taeyong to give him a chance. I wasn’t sure of how I felt then.” Jaehyun exhales slowly. “Then after I realized, I tried to make myself hate him. But he’s good for Taeyong.” Jaehyun shakes his head. “I was being unreasonable. The only person I should hate is myself.”

 

“Don’t say that,” Ten says and the fire still burns in his eyes but it’s tamer now. “Don’t say you hate yourself. Think about it for a second. Do you really regret telling Taeyong to give Dongyoung a chance?”

 

Jaehyun mulls it over and he hates how Ten knows him better than he knows himself. “You’re right, I don’t.”

 

“Why?” Ten asks softly. Jaehyun thinks Ten already the knows the answer. He’d seen it with his own eyes.

 

“Because they’re so in love.”

 

Silence joins them and none of them say anything for a while, the weight of reality a little too much to bear. Jaehyun feels so miserable and pathetic that he doesn’t even want to get drunk to blissfully ignore his feelings. No, he wants to embrace them and wallow and cry about his broken heart and about how happy he is for both Taeyong and Doyoung. He hates how conflicted he feels and he just wants to be overwhelmed with everything all at once, then maybe he’ll feel empty after. And then maybe he’ll feel better. It’s draining him, to feel so conflicted. He just wants it all to go away.

 

“it’s always like this isn’t it,” Jaehyun says out and he hates how he sounds broken.

 

Ten doesn’t reply immediately, but when he does it’s said cautiously and well-intendedly. “Do you want to tell him?” He looks at Jaehyun carefully and Jaehyun knows what he’s implying.

 

“No,” Jaehyun says honestly. “I’m not out to make his life complicated.”

 

“You could just tell him to get it off your chest. He doesn’t have to owe you an answer or anything, you know that.”

 

 Jaehyun sighs tiredly. “I know but- you don’t suppose I could just go up and tell him ‘ _Hey, I liked you back in college and I thought I got over you, but recently I realised that wasn’t the case’_. I can’t do that. It’ll tear him apart, Ten.”

 

Ten squeezes his hand and he nudges for Jaehyun to look at him instead of looking down. “All I’m trying to say is that it’s not fair that you have to stand by the side and watch them while you’re getting hurt.”

 

“What am I supposed to do?” The desperation in his voice is a little too loud but he can’t control it. He meets Ten’s eyes and he wonders if the sadness he sees in them is a mirror of his. “I’ve known Taeyong since forever. I can’t just barge in and make a mess for them. That’s not right.”

 

“But it’s breaking you,” Ten says and his voice trembles almost unnoticeably. It’s funny how Ten’s closer to crying than he is.

 

“And I’ll get over it.”

 

“Jaehyun.”

 

“Eventually. I’ll get over it.”

 

He appreciates Ten’s sentiments, but he thinks some things are better off unsaid.

 

There’s a sudden cheer that brings their attention back to the front and Taeyong’s standing in front of a huge cake on a wheeled tray. He makes a speech about his birthday and thanks all those that have taken time to come down and celebrate with him. He gets a little teary-eyed in typical Taeyong fashion. The crowd sings for him and he blows out the candles with his hands clasped together. Doyoung passes him a knife to cut the cake with and the crowd cheers. When Doyoung kisses him, they cheer even louder. Taeyong blushes furiously.

 

Jaehyun tears his eyes away and he says to Ten the words he’s been wanting to say ever since they got there. “I want to go home.”

 

Ten nods understandingly. “Let’s go.”

 

\-------

 

The next few days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. Jaehyun invests his time and energy into his book, using it as a distraction to escape the reality that surrounds him. He’s learning to accept things the way they are and tries to deal with the heartache that sometimes gets too unbearable on some nights. He hasn’t really mastered on how to stop being so miserable and sad, but at least he’s learnt how to pretend to be fine.

 

Being roommates with Taeyong after coming to terms with his feelings doesn’t make things feel the same way anymore - the apartment no longer makes him feel at home. Bits and pieces of Doyoung can be found in their apartment as reminders of Taeyong’s relationship - in the way Doyoung’s hoodie appears every now and then in the living room and in the form of his handwriting on the recipe pasted on the fridge. His presence is there when Jaehyun sees the plants Doyoung and Taeyong had bought together and also when he sees the new scented candle on the coffee table which Doyoung had gifted him. Doyoung is everywhere even when he isn’t and it makes it so hard for Jaehyun to act like it doesn’t affect him. It does, especially when the biggest reminder of all comes in the form of Taeyong.

 

Jaehyun had figured it was about time he moved out, Ten and Sicheng were right about that. He has yet to tell Taeyong about all the apartment hunting he’s doing. He will, eventually.

 

He's done good progress with his novel, only a few more chapters till he reaches the end of the book. He’s one of those writers that has to write chronologically and it’s never not worked well for him. Before he actually finishes his book, he needs Taeil to check his progress so far to know if he should continue in the same direction he’s heading or if there are things he needs to make changes to first.

 

Jaehyun finds himself in a fancy bakery that Taeil’s chosen, with a cup of coffee and plate of muffins in front of him. Taeil has the hardcopy of the manuscript he had emailed him about two weeks ago. Even though the script is still in the folder, Jaehyun feels like he can already make out the red and black inks spotted all over the pages.

 

Taeil notices him eyeing the folder and shakes his head disapprovingly. “When will you stop acting like my comments are the only things that matter in the world? You don’t need validation, Jaehyun. You _are_ a good writer.”

 

“I know,” Jaehyun says resignedly. “But I just can’t help it you know? I _need_ the feedback or I’ll just succumb to the discouraging thoughts that’s always there waiting to pounce on me when I’m most vulnerable.”

 

Taeil eyes him weirdly. “I don’t know what you just said and I think I’ll just take that as a writer thing. But before we go through this I just want to let you know that everything is really well- written and well-thought out.”

 

There’s a ‘but’ there that’s waiting to be said. There’s always a ‘but’ with Taeil.

 

“But?” Jaehyun presses.

 

“ _But_ ,” Taeil emphasizes, “I still stand by what I said.” He drums his fingers against the table, eyebrows furrowed as he tries to come up with the right words. “It’s lacking something. Like the story is this active volcano and the lava’s been rising steadily.” Taeil has his palm out and rising upwards as he explains himself. “Smoke blows out as warnings for _days_ and when you think, this is it, it’s gonna happen,” his hand drops flat onto the table with a thud. “It doesn’t. The smoke is gone and the volcano becomes dormant again.”

 

Jaehyun doesn’t know if that’s how volcanoes work. But it does work in bringing Taeil’s point across.

 

Taeil looks at him earnestly and continues. “I need the eruption, the explosion, the overwhelming of feelings. There’re a few really good tear-jerking scenes that build up the emotions, but I need one really good one to bring out the punch. To break down the dam of tears.”

 

Jaehyun is actually surprised by Taeil’s remarks. Because when he had rewritten and adjusted the climax of the story, he had taken Taeil’s words from the last time they had met into consideration and tried to make it as emotionally raw and hard-hitting as possible. He thought people would be able to feel for his character, to feel her desperation and anxiety, feel how she’s confused about finding happiness in feeling romance again when she’s losing her daughter at the same time.

 

“You don’t think it’s sad enough?” Jaehyun asks hesitantly.

 

“It’s just not… impactful enough?” Taeil tries. “When I read it, there’s this sense of watching her instead of _being_ her. It’s her misery, not mine. But it _should_ be mine, I have to feel like it’s my heart that’s breaking.”

 

Taeil pauses to find the words to convey out his thoughts. He puts his hand on top of the folder. “This is really great but I know it can be better. Channel your emotions into the story. Dig into your painful experiences and use them as your foundation. I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of heartbreaks before, right?”

 

Jaehyun could really laugh at that. He actually does. “You could say that again.”

 

“Use it, then.” Taeil says and he gives a half-smile. “There’s no other better use for them anyway.”

 

Taeil’s right. It might just be the only good thing about them. Everything else is horrible.

 

\------

 

It’s winter. Still. The new year had come and gone about a week ago and decorations are still up in the street opposite. Jaehyun stares blankly outside the floor-to-ceiling glass window and he watches as his breath fogs up the glass. He nuzzles deeper into his scarf and continues looking outside, watching nothing in particular. It’s dark out and there’s not much cars passing by or people walking past since it’s about an hour to midnight. The fourth lamppost down the street flickers every now and then. He watches it flicker for the fifth time in a row when he realizes he’s not being very productive so he turns back around to his opened journal in front of him, his back to the window. He’s practically almost done with his manuscript and he hopes it’ll be the final one he has to send to Taeil.

 

There’s only one other customer apart from him and she’s getting her coffee to-go, evident from the way she’s waiting by the counter while Mark tends to her coffee. She has her earphones on so Jaehyun figures shouting over to Sicheng won’t really do any damage.

 

“How long till Ten gets here?”

 

Sicheng looks over his shoulder at Jaehyun, a rag in his hand as he momentarily pauses cleaning the coffee machines. “Said he got stuck in traffic. He’ll be here in twenty.”

 

Jaehyun groans and crashes his forehead onto his journal. He brings the hood of his coat up and lets his exhaustion drown him. His mind is too tired to be doing anymore writing while he waits for Ten to make his presence. It’s a good thing Sicheng’s the owner of the café or else they’ll be waiting out on the streets till Ten arrives. Sicheng leaves Jaehyun to sort himself out and continues cleaning the coffee machines and the counters. When the lady leaves with her coffee, Sicheng dismisses Mark for the day and tries to stop him from stealing the rag. He insists for Mark to go home.

 

“I’ll wrap up today. Go get some sleep, those bags under your eyes look horrible.”

 

Mark barely reacts. “Hah. Haven’t heard that before.”

 

Sicheng holds back from rolling his eyes. “Seriously, go home. I’ll lock up tonight.”

 

“Fine. Thanks,” Mark says appreciatively and he starts to undo the tie of his apron. He takes it off in one motion and just as he heads towards the staff room to sign out and grab his things, the bells above door jingles. Mark halts and turns to look at the newly entered customer, then shifting his eyes to Sicheng.

 

Sicheng tilts his head towards the staff room. “Go. It’s fine, I’ll handle it. Flip the ‘open’ sign on your way out.”

 

The customer walks up to the counter. “Hi. You’re still taking orders, right? Can I get three Americanos and three caramel macchiatos?”

 

Jaehyun’s body goes rigid.

 

“That’ll be 39.50,” Sicheng says and he observes the customer’s face more carefully. “You know, you look really familiar.”

 

Of course, he does. Sicheng _knows_ who he is, though Jaehyun thinks the two never really met before this.

 

“Oh,” The customer says awkwardly. “I come here sometimes. Maybe that’s why?”

 

“Hmmm, maybe. Take a seat, I’ll call you when your order’s ready.”

 

Mark leaves the staff room, his backpack slung over his shoulder. He gives Sicheng a wave and before he leaves, he gives Jaehyun a shout.

 

“Bye Jaehyun! Ten’ll be here soon, don’t die just yet.”

 

Jaehyun internally curses Mark for making his presence known. There’s no use trying to hide anymore now. He lifts up his head and pulls his hoodie back down. He glances at the newly entered customer and then focuses on Mark.

 

“You’re likely to die first before I do. You’re practically a walking corpse,” Jaehyun throws at him. “Be safe.”

 

Mark throws him a lazy wave and walks out into the night, the bells jingling above him. That leaves with three occupants in the café. Jaehyun makes eye contact with the only other customer there.

 

“I was doubtful at first but it really is you,” Doyoung says amusedly. He moves from the counter to occupy the seat in front of Jaehyun. “What are you doing here?”

 

“I could ask you the same,” Jaehyun replies off-handedly. “You miss your coffee dates with me so much you came looking for me?”

 

Doyoung laughs. “Don’t flatter yourself. The vending machine broke down and the cafes in the hospital are closed at this timing. I’m out on a coffee errand.”

 

The sound of the coffee machine whirring accompanies them and it dawns on Jaehyun it’ll be a while till Doyoung’s order is ready since Sicheng’s the only one on duty. Which means he has to spend that waiting time talking to Doyoung.  

 

“I’m waiting for Ten,” Jaehyun clarifies. “He should be here soon.”

 

Doyoung nods and looks over at Jaehyun’s journal. “You were working on something?”

 

Jaehyun subtly brings the journal protectively closer to him in case Doyoung decides to grab it on a whim and reads the content inside. “Sort of. I got bored of working on my book after a while so I was just writing whatever came to mind.”

 

“You know, seeing that reminds me of how you almost never go anywhere without your journal back in college. It’s always with you,” Doyoung muses.

 

“It was not _always_ with me,” Jaehyun counters embarrassedly. “I don’t bring it everywhere I go.”

 

Doyoung’s eyes light up seeing Jaehyun’s flustered manner. “You did. Well at least whenever I come across you, it was always in your arms.” His lips curl up playfully when he starts reminding Jaehyun of an incident that Jaehyun never ever really forgotten.

 

“Remember the time you tripped over your shoelace and everything in your arms went flying? Your journal was there too.” Doyoung starts laughing on his own. “Come to think of it, it was actually really funny.”

 

Jaehyun remembers. He had called out to Doyoung to ask him something when he stepped on his own shoelace, unaware they had been untied. Doyoung had been kind enough to help him collect his things. Apparently, he’s hidden the fact of how much it amuses him and is now out to mock Jaehyun about it. At least the memory is fond for one of them.

 

“I got hurt then. It’s not that funny,” Jaehyun says, upset. Doyoung had also helped patch his knee that he scraped against the gravel floor after.

 

“You’re just embarrassed,” Doyoung teases. “I wonder why our friendship didn’t grow after that. Sometimes I wonder if we had become friends back then, would I have become friends with Taeyong through you.”

 

Jaehyun brings his hands under the table and rests them on his knee. He doesn’t realise how tight his grip is until he relaxes. He glances upon the counter behind Doyoung and catches Sicheng eyeing them weirdly. He returns his gaze to Doyoung. “Do you wish you had met and talked to him then?”

 

“Yeah,” Doyoung answers readily, sounding as if he’s thought it over before. “Then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to have gotten to know him. To realise how… how wonderful he is.”

 

He catches Jaehyun’s reaction and his cheeks start showing the slightest shade of pink. “Sorry, a bit much?”

 

Jaehyun hadn’t realise he had scrunched up his face. “Taeyong would be glad to hear that. He feels the same way too.”

 

“He told you that?” Doyoung asks, his voice tender.

 

Jaehyun nods, the memory of a late night with cans of beer on the dining table and a flushed Taeyong comes up to his mind. Taeyong had mentioned it shyly after his third can and he had smiled fondly after.

 

“He said he wished he had met you sooner.”

 

Doyoung’s expression softens and the look on his face is so delicate, the way his eyes sparkle and how the pinkness hasn’t faded from his cheeks. It’s overwhelming, in the way that he looks the same way Taeyong did that night he told Jaehyun. So happy, so in love.

 

“Actually, there’s this thing that I’ve been thinking of for a while,” Doyoung hesitates.

 

Jaehyun nods, gesturing for him to continue.

 

“Well, Taeyong and I have been together for over a year now but I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life _._ ” Doyoung says carefully. “I know it may seem out of the blue but it’s not. I’ve actually been thinking about it for some time and I- I want to propose to him.”

 

The words hit Jaehyun like a splash of ice-cold water down his back. The weight of the words is heavy but Jaehyun knows Doyoung means every word. It was bound to happen, Jaehyun reasons with himself. Despite that, he can’t help how his body seizes up as if he had never expected it.

 

“Propose?” Jaehyun repeats. His heart pangs a little too loud, a little too much. He knows he’s surrendered, raised his white flag and that he’s accepted it a long time ago, but it doesn’t help that he has yet to move on. If he could will all his emotions away, he would have done it by now.

 

Doyoung doesn’t falter, there’s nothing but certainty and confidence in his demeanour. “I’m still saving up. We haven’t really talked about it properly but I know I want to do this,” he says firmly. “He’s the one I want to spend my life with.”

 

Jaehyun’s heartbeat picks up and he can’t really hear anything, doesn’t really see anything even if his eyes are looking at Doyoung. His mind whirls and he struggles to keep a clear head. He tells himself to breathe easy. Reminds himself that this isn’t about him. This is about Taeyong and Doyoung.

 

“That’s great,” Jaehyun says and he tries to make his smile as natural as it can be. “That’s great, that you’re so sure of it. You should find a time to talk it through with him.”

 

Doyoung gnaws on his lips. “Honestly, I’m scared of how he’ll respond. Every time I try, I back out before I even ask. What if I scare him away?”

 

Jaehyun purses his lips. He knows he has to say this even if it breaks him a little. “Listen, I’ve known Taeyong for _years_ so trust me when I say he won’t respond in any of those ways you’re imagining. If he’s not ready, he’ll tell you but he won’t ever push you away.”

 

Doyoung looks at him hesitantly. “You think so?”

 

“Come on, you’d be a fool if you don’t see how head-over-heels Taeyong is for you.”

 

It manages to bring a smile on Doyoung’s face. In the front, Sicheng has two bags on the counter and he calls out to Doyoung to tell him his order is ready.

 

“Guess that’s my cue to leave,” Doyoung stands up a little awkwardly due to the abruptness of their conversation being cut short. “Thanks for, you know.” He gestures vaguely in the air. Jaehyun nods understandingly.

 

“I guess I really needed that talk. Tell Ten I said hi. I hope he comes to accompany you soon.” He gives Jaehyun one last smile. He grabs his coffee after thanking Sicheng and leaves. Jaehyun watches him cross the street as he makes his way back to the hospital.

 

Jaehyun stares expressionlessly outside the window. He doesn’t register anything, not even the flickering of the fourth lamppost down the street. He’s too immersed in his thoughts. He imagines of a proposal somewhere in the future. He thinks back to the times he would wait for Taeyong in the hospital lobby before Doyoung came to the hospital. Then the times after Doyoung came. He thinks back to college, thinks about warm eyes and friendly smiles. Thinks about the timbre of a voice so captivating to the ears. Thinks about how he’s such a fool for not getting over a crush he had in college. Except that it was more than just a simple crush.

 

 

(“Stop staring at the back of his head like some creep,” Ten says pointedly as he copies down words from the screen on to his notes. “I thought you would stop doing it after the first few lectures. But we are at second half of the semester and you’re still doing it.”

 

Jaehyun sighs and rests his head dejectedly in his palm. “You don’t say these things to Sicheng when he’s being disgusting about Kun.”

 

“That’s because he actually is _trying_ to woo Kun. Meanwhile all you do is stare and sigh.”

 

“I do more than that. We talk,” Jaehyun points out. “We’re just not _close_ close.”

 

“Yeah and look where that’s gotten you.”

 

Jaehyun lets out a sound similar to that of a muffled wail as he splays himself over the retractable table of his seat. “I just don’t know how to ask him out,” he lets out dispiritedly.

 

“Just man up and confess,” Ten hisses. “Today. Tell him right after this lecture.”

 

“I can’t do that!” Jaehyun says, hushed and heated.

 

“Yes, you can. Just tell him how you really feel.”

 

“What if he rejects me?”

 

“Then he’s not worth your time,” Ten says, his eyes fixed on the screen. “There’s only one way to find out.”

 

Jaehyun mulls it over. “Today? Tell him today?”

_“Please do_.”

 

When the time finally reaches 1.30 p.m., Jaehyun quickly packs everything inside his bag. He glances down the rows as he does so to keep track of the person who’s head he’s been staring at every single lecture. The person starts moving out of the theatre and Jaehyun gathers all his papers and his beloved journal in his arms hurriedly in case he misses his chance.

 

He manages to hear a cheer from Ten just as he exists the doors. He sees the familiar shade of chestnut brown hair up ahead and makes a run for it.

 

“Dongyoung! Hey Dongyoung! Hold up!”

 

Dongyoung turns around and he stays put when he sees Jaehyun approaching. He has a puzzled look on his face.

 

Jaehyun’s heart pumps hard in his chest as he runs. It’s beating so fiercely not because of the physical exertion but due to pure nerves. He thinks it’s silly that he’s more nervous than he’s ever been in his life just to ask someone out. But then he thinks of soft smiles, of a kind heart, of rainy days and a rescued little kitten. He thinks of mannerly gestures and an inquisitive mind, thinks of naivety and innocence. He thinks of beautiful eyes and friendly ‘hellos’. He thinks it’s all worth him running like a fool with papers haphazardly arranged in his arms. He thinks it’s still worth it when he trips over his shoelace and his belongings go flying everywhere.

 

“Jaehyun!”

 

He’s never felt more embarrassed in his life.

 

Dongyoung rushes forward to help him up and Jaehyun feels a sting sensation on his knee. His jeans start sporting spots of red. Dongyoung quickly picks up all his things for him and brings him to a nearby bench.

 

“Are you okay?” He asks as he motions for Jaehyun to sit on the bench. He frowns. “Why were you running?”

 

“I wanted to catch you before you left,” Jaehyun says, his cheeks still flushed from embarrassment.

 

Dongyoung bends down to tie his shoelace for him. “You should be more careful. What’s so important that you ran?”

 

Jaehyun swallows thickly. Dongyoung fishes out a plaster from his bag and tells Jaehyun to roll up his jeans. Jaehyun follows obediently, too flustered to think straight. There’s a small scratch on his knee that doesn’t hurt too bad but it’s sure to leave a small nasty scar.

 

“I wanted to ask you something.”

 

Dongyoung’s tongue sticks out as he focuses on putting the plaster over Jaehyun’s knee. He looks so adorable Jaehyun can’t help the flutter he feels in his stomach. When Doyoung’s done, he rolls Jaehyun’s jeans back down.

 

“What is it?” He looks up at Jaehyun earnestly. This is it, Jaehyun thinks. His heart pumps fast and steady. He just has to say out the words. Dongyoung smiles at him with his eyebrows raised, tilting his head in question. The sight of it makes Jaehyun’s heart feel tight. He steadies himself.

 

“I was wondering if-”

 

“Dongyoung! There you are.”

 

Both of them turn to the sound of the voice and Jaehyun sees a guy, with soft dark hair, bright eyes and a pretty smile.

 

“Jungwoo, I told you I would go find you,” Dongyoung says as Jungwoo comes near. Jungwoo’s hand rests on his shoulder naturally and he smiles brightly when he meets Doyoung’s eyes.

 

“Wanted to surprise you.”

 

Dongyoung gets up to his feet and smiles warmly, embracing Jungwoo in a hug. Jaehyun’s watches them carefully.

 

Jungwoo’s eyes land on Jaehyun and Dongyoung introduces them. “Oh, right. Jungwoo, this is Jaehyun. He’s in my Intro to Alchemy class. Jaehyun, meet Jungwoo, my boyfriend.”

 

Boyfriend.

 

Jaehyun’s heart drops. It’s like the whole world has stopped and everything becomes amplified. Of course. How could someone like Dongyoung _not_ have a boyfriend. He should have known, should have seen it from way before. He’s so _stupid._ What was he thinking?

 

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

 

“Jaehyun are you okay?” Dongyoung waves his hand in front of Jaehyun’s face. “You seemed blanked out there.”

 

Jaehyun blinks. “I’m fine,” he forces out. He wants so badly to run away before he starts doing something embarrassing like cry but instead he looks at those kind and worried eyes, thinks about how much brighter they must look when he’s with Jungwoo. Thinks of how much merrier his laugh must sound, how much crinklier the wrinkles around his eyes get when he smiles with Jungwoo around.

 

“What did you want to ask me?” Dongyoung reminds him.

 

Jaehyun’s heart tightens. There’s nothing to ask anymore. There’s no point.

 

“If you could lend me your notes from last week,” Jaehyun mumbles. “Missed out some stuff.”

 

“Yeah of course. You ran just for that?” Dongyoung laughs as he searches through his bag for it. “You can pass it back next lecture.”

 

“Thanks,” Jaehyun says quietly and holds the paper limply in his lap.

 

Dongyoung slips his bag back on. “Well we’ve got to be going somewhere. I’ll see you around, Jaehyun.” He gives Jaehyun his warm smile. The warm smile that Jaehyun had fallen for.

 

“It was nice meeting you,” Jungwoo says pleasantly.

 

Dongyoung waves him goodbye and Jaehyun watches as they walk away, their fingers laced together. He sits there and watches and listens to his heart crumble until Ten finds him with Sicheng in tow.)

 

“Jaehyun? I’ve been calling your name with no response,” Sicheng says as he slides in from Jaehyun’s left and sits beside him. “You look distracted.”

 

“I was just thinking,” Jaehyun says. He swallows thickly. He thinks of the Doyoung now. The Doyoung that plays so well with the kids, the Doyoung that welcomes him warmly whenever he comes to visit at the lobby. He remembers all their silly conversations and loud laughs they share while Doyoung was on his coffee break. He thinks of the scented candle Doyoung bought for him because he remembered Jaehyun telling him about his liking for them.

 

“That guy just now, I just remembered who he is,” Sicheng says and he looks at Jaehyun cautiously when he says it. “It’s him. It’s Daeyong isn’t it.”

 

Jaehyun thinks it’s about time he gets the name right. “It’s _Dongyoung_ , Sicheng.” It comes out sounding strained and Jaehyun thinks it has to do with how his throat feels like closing up.

 

“Oh,” Sicheng says. “That does sound more familiar.”

 

Jaehyun thinks of Dongyoung, and then he thinks of Doyoung. He thinks about how happy Taeyong is around Doyoung, how Taeyong smiles endlessly and gets so happy just by being with him. He thinks of how much Taeyong cares for Doyoung and how it’s reciprocated just as much.

 

“Jaehyun,” Sicheng says suddenly and his eyes turn round with worry. “You’re crying.”

 

Jaehyun brings up his hands to his cheeks and he feels the wetness of his tears. He blinks and more fall onto his cheeks. He wipes them away with the back of his hands.

 

“Why am I crying,” he blurts out but his voice comes out croaked and Sicheng’s expression turns even more worried.

 

“I should be the one asking that,” Sicheng says, his voice soft and laced with concern. “Is this... about him?”

 

Jaehyun feels bad for leaving Sicheng out of the loop but he can’t bring himself to explain everything to him at the moment. Not when his heart is in pieces and he can’t seem to stop crying no matter how much he tries to breathe properly. He nods and his shoulders tremble when he exhales. “Ten knows, ask him,” he mumbles out but it becomes blurred when it turns into sobs.

 

Sicheng doesn’t say anything, simply grabbing a few pieces of tissue, dabbing gingerly at Jaehyun’s tears. He pulls Jaehyun into a hug and lets Jaehyun cry into his chest all the while patting Jaehyun’s back soothingly.

 

Sicheng whispers soothing words to him and it makes him cry harder. He doesn’t hold back, not anymore and it feels good to finally have it all out, to not hide anything or be afraid of showing his emotions. He’s finally free to be vulnerable. He thinks about how long he’s kept it all in. He feels miserable and he tells himself its ok, he doesn’t have to push it away anymore.

 

The bells of the cafe jingles then. It can only be Ten.

 

“Hey guys sorry about-” There’s a short pause. “Jaehyun?” He asks alarmedly. “Sicheng what’s going on?”

 

Sicheng extracts himself away momentarily and Jaehyun hangs his head down, burying his face in his scarf. He tries to stop the tears but it’s too hard for him to. Sicheng pulls Ten away, far enough from Jaehyun and they exchange words in hushed manners. Sicheng gets riled up in some instances, hands flying wildly at some point. Jaehyun only catches a few of the words that’s escaped from between the both of them. Their talk ends quickly but it’s sufficient for Sicheng to understand, evident from the way Sicheng immediately has him in a bone-crushing hug. It doesn’t help Jaehyun stop himself from sobbing. When Sicheng lets go, Ten brings Jaehyun to rest his head on his shoulders.

 

“It’s always like this, isn’t it?” Jaehyun chokes out.

 

“It’ll get better. It’s ok,” Ten soothes him as he cards through Jaehyun’s hair softly. “It’ll be ok.”

 

“He’s taken,” Jaehyun croaks, his voice strained. His chest feels constricted and his vision is blurred by his tears. “But he’s good for Taeyong. They’re good for each other,” Jaehyun manages to say out and the truth of it is what hurts the most. Because he sees how much they’re meant for each other.

 

“You’re a wonderful friend Jaehyun,” Sicheng tells him. “And you’re strong. You can get through this. We’re here for you.”

 

“We’re right here,” Ten repeats tenderly. “It’ll be ok.”

 

 

———-

 

 

Jaehyun stands in the middle of his unfurnished living room, his hands on his hips as he looks around his new apartment. He’d chosen one big enough for at least two people because he likes it when it’s spacious. He’s also ambitious when it comes to interior design so there’s lots of spaces he can work with to bring his ideas to life. He scans around and wonders what to start unpacking first. There are boxes everywhere he turns, some stacked neatly, some haphazardly and randomly arranged. He hopes Ten and Sicheng are already on their way here. They’d promise to help him and he would really appreciate it if they kept it seeing as how daunting the number of the boxes are.

 

He takes a seat on his plastic covered couch and decides on a break before he really starts unpacking. He had just come back from meeting Taeil earlier to finalise the manuscript. Taeil had been extremely satisfied.

  
(“You’ve got it.” Taeil slides the folder to him with a proud smile. “It’s exactly what I was looking for.”

 

“Really?” Jaehyun asks skeptically. “I was afraid it might have been too much. Might be a bit too overwhelming for the readers.”

 

“No, trust me. You’ll get amazing reviews and publicity once it’s published. You _know_ I don’t say things without meaning them.”

 

Taeil really doesn’t, which is why Jaehyun is surprised Taeil would actually say something like that. Taeil’s hard to please so Jaehyun is somewhat flattered he had managed to not only receive praise on his story, but also be told to look forward to promising outcomes from his to-be released book.

 

“Don’t tell me that, it’ll just get to my head,” Jaehyun tells him, waving off his flattering remarks. He doesn’t want to expect anything in case the turnout isn’t as great as he was hoping. Releasing books is always unpredictable, sometimes the public loves it, and other times they don’t. Jaehyun’s been on the fortunate side of his books being well-loved. Taeil always corrects him saying that it’s not because of luck, but because that’s what his books deserve.

 

“It really _is_ good. The part we talked about previously, you’ve adjusted it so well. It really brings out all the emotions. It was _devastating._ And you know I don’t really like novels,” Taeil says, giving him a look. “So imagine how well the emotions of your character got conveyed when I say it _shattered_ me, truly. So terribly well. It ripped my heart into shreds.” Taeil stops and lets out a breath. “I _cried_ , Jaehyun. Your story made me cry for the first time ever.”

 

Taeil’s words knock him down and render him speechless. One side of him wants to swell with pride but another side of him wants to pity himself. The last time they met, Taeil had told him to ‘ _dig into your painful experiences and use them as your foundation’_. And that’s exactly what he did. It only proves that Taeil was right about heartbreaks - they’re useful for writing out heart wrenching scenes.

 

“You can thank my heartbreaks for it then.”)

 

There’s a knock on the door and from the loudness of the conversation taking place outside he already knows it can only be his _eternal friends_. He opens the door and is greeted with a forced smile on Ten’s face and Sicheng hiding suspiciously behind him.

_Is that a lump under Sicheng’s jacket_?

 

“Jaehyun, hi!” Ten chirps and it’s too loud and too awkward. Ten is never awkward. Sicheng on the other hand is trying his best to stay hidden from view. Something’s up and it’s pretty obvious. Jaehyun leans against the doorframe with his arms folded across his chest. He raises an eyebrow questioningly at them.

 

“I give you three seconds to spill.”

 

Ten literally flinches. “Ok but before that let me just say it was Sicheng’s idea! And it seemed like a good one at that time!”

 

“Hey!” Sicheng protests. Ten moves aside and SIcheng steps forward, the lump under his jacket moving suspiciously. Jaehyun has half the mind to call the police if it’s anything illegal. Sicheng takes the moving lump out and holds it carefully in his arms.

 

“Surprise!” SIcheng says excitedly, the same time Ten exclaims, “We got you a dog!”

 

It’s a _puppy_ and it’s the cutest thing Jaehyun’s ever seen. The puppy yelps and wriggles cutely in Sicheng’s arms and he tries not to coo, in case his friends think he’s let them off easy. They made him a _dad_ without informing him.  

 

He maintains his stance in the middle of the doorway, still not allowing them access into his new apartment. “You know I’m the one who’ll raise it right?”

 

“Yes,” Sicheng says warily.

 

“And yet I have no say in any of this,” Jaehyun points out.

 

“Come on, are you going to say no to the puppy?” Ten counters. “Look at him, he’s so cute!”

 

Jaehyun moves away from the doorway and into his house with a resigned shake of his head. He hears the two enter behind him. “Do you guys _ever_ think things through?”

 

“We thought you’d be less lonely with a dog to demand all your attention,” Sicheng says. “And we named him for you!”

 

He thinks that’s pretty sweet of them. He’s also not actually mad about the dog. He had thought of adopting one himself. His place is big enough for it too.

 

Jaehyun flops onto the bare wooden floor and Sicheng lets the dog down from his arms. Ten brings in with him a dog carrier which he must have somehow hidden earlier on. Once down, the dog runs straight to Jaehyun’s lap and jumps excitedly. Jaehyun smiles and melts at its antics, giving him belly rubs which he seems to really like.

 

“Awww Yoonoh really likes you,” Ten coos as he watches from where he’s sitting as comfortably as he can on the plastic-covered couch. He rests his elbow on the ledge and his chin in his palm.

 

“You named him _Yoonoh_? After my _childhood name_?” Jaehyun asks incredulously. He rolls a newspaper ball for _Yoonoh_ to retrieve.

 

“Also Sicheng’s idea, by the way,” Ten smoothly says, earning himself a smack from Sicheng who’s on the floor right in front of him. “We were just coming up with names randomly and when I said Yoonoh-”

 

The puppy turns to Ten and yelps, his tail wagging excitedly.

 

“-he responded,” Ten says, affection practically dripping from his eyes.

 

Yoonoh brings the newspaper ball back and Jaehyun rolls it in another direction.

 

“I suppose that saves me the headache of deciding what to call him,” Jaehyun admits and he rolls the newspaper ball even further this time round when Yoonoh brings it back. Yoonoh eagerly takes it as a challenge.

 

“You know, there’s a reason why we picked Yoonoh at the dog shelter,” SIcheng tells him, his hands resting limply in his lap. “The staff there told us he was put up for adoption with his siblings, but he got turned down twice.”

 

Jaehyun looks at Yoonoh, at that bundle of energy and his heart softens in understanding.

 

“It feels like you’re mocking me,” Jaehyun says without venom.

 

Sicheng smiles at him, warm and understanding. “We thought you’d be the perfect owner for him, don’t you think?”

 

Jaehyun hums and he puts Yoonoh in his lap when he comes back with the ball. He plays with Yoonoh’s cute paws. He pets Yoonoh softly and looks fondly at him, Yoonoh’s story hitting a little too close to home. Jaehyun thinks they can help each other out. He thinks of new beginnings, of fresh pages and chapters waiting to be filled.

 

“I’m glad you got him for me,” Jaehyun says earnestly. It looks like he’s made another eternal friend.

 

Jaehyun soon starts them working on the boxes containing his books and he asks them to fill in the empty bookshelves, the sight of which disturbs him. He goes to the kitchen to take out canned drinks from the practically-empty-fridge when his eyes lands on the opened letter on the kitchen counter. He takes in a steadying breath as his thumbs the letter, looking at it with a mix of emotions. His heart still feels as weary as when he had first read it but his thoughts are somehow different now. He looks at it and suddenly the decision comes easily to him. He was unsure before but he’s surer now. Even though he doesn’t know if it’s the right decision, he figures Doyoung and Taeyong will be happy to see him at their engagement party. Ten and Sicheng will be there too and it’s only right that he be there as well. Weary hearts will pass, eventually.

 

He looks around his new home, looks at Yoonoh running about excitedly and looks at his friends bickering in his living room. New beginnings, fresh pages and chapters waiting to be filled. This is his story to write, and if there’s one thing he’s learnt, it’s that heartbreaks do make good stories.

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So……. I don’t know how angsty this was but I hope it wasn’t that bad??  
> This was unbeta-ed bcoz I don’t have one (cries. i really need one) so I don’t really know if the plot was obvious? Please do share with me your thoughts! And thank you for reading! 
> 
> Think I’ll stay away from angst for a bit after this fic…
> 
>  
> 
> [I created a CC!](https://curiouscat.me/ooooeeeesubaks)  
>  


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